It's early Saturday morning and I am wide awake. Got a lot on my mind so instead of just sitting around and letting my mind wonder I decided to blog about it. A few things I will not post because they are private and should only be left in my head, but everything else is coming out.
I do not know what has happened to me over the past two years but I believe I have become a different person. Honestly I don't even think I know who I am anymore. I think because I have always had this wall up my entire life that I never really understood what type of person I was. To be honest with you I don't even think I know how to find the real me because she is buried so far down in my soul that it's hard to reach her.
I know that I am a good person deep down inside because I have a big heart, but for some reason some people seem to think I am not. I have said this before that if people really knew me they would know that I make jokes and try to make people laugh because I am hurting on the inside. If you really knew me you would know that I never really seen true and real love in my household as a child, so it makes it hard for me to emulate that in my own relationships. You would know that I have made some huge mistakes in my life that I will regret for the rest of my life. I know people say you should never live with regrets but some things are just that devastating that you can not just brush over them and act like it doesn't effect you. The things we see and hear as children stick with us throughout our entire lives. Whether we know it or not those things shape us into the people we are today. Sometimes a wound is so deep that even stitches can't hold it together. That is exactly how I feel now. But what do you do when your the one with the knife in your hand ? What about all the people you have cut or in some cases shredded ? How do you mend those wounds or at least soothe the pain if they aren't mendable ? I am not trying to be a killjoy just wanted to do a brain dump.
If life is a journey than the things we go through must be our luggage. If that is the case how do we choose which bag to carry-on or which bag is checked ? One is only allowed maybe one or two carry-ons ( depending on the airline), so what do we do with all that extra luggage ? Do we just forget about it? No, because some of that stuff is valuable to us. Can we have it shipped to wherever we're going ? In some cases yes, but most of the time it gets lost and you end up with just the stuff you put in your carry-on, and that is mostly the stuff you don't want anyone to see because it's personal and private. Those are our weaknesses, our fears, our doubts, our mistakes, our deepest secrets. Things that only you and God know about.
Not to turn this into a sermon, but there is a bible verse that says (and I am paraphrasing) little foxes spoil the vine. Meaning it's the little things that continuously eat away at you until there is nothing left. They will either make you fight harder to keep your crop or make you give in and hope that the next harvest will survive. What will we choose or have we already made a choice ?
I have said a lot and dealt with a lot of different things but in actuality I have been on the same path just using different vehicles to get my point across. Which is we need to get to know ourselves and get to know who we really are. Not what we want people to see or what we think people want to see, but get in touch with who you REALLY are. That person that you are in your mind or subconscience. There is a TV show called "If You Really Knew Me " on MTV and they always start off by saying that we are like icebergs. That the part of the iceberg you see is just 10% and the other 90% is under water. Then they go on to say that we only show 10% of who we are and the other 90% is buried. They also say that the 10% is what we think people wanna see or what their perception of you is. That means we are 10% fake and 90% real but we only show the 10%.
So in closing I want to ask you what do we do to get to the 90%. How do we show people who we really are and is it even achievable? You would have to swim extremely deep to get all the way to the bottom to push up the other 90%. How do we get there before drowning in our own doubts and fears ?
Just wondering....
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Just random thoughts and questions...
What is it about fame and fortune that makes us strive for it so relentlessly? I mean are we programmed that way form birth or is it put into us subliminally as we grow up ? I know for me I strive for it because I want to leave a legacy behind when I leave this earth, but I also do it because I want to be able to enjoy life to the fullest. By that I mean I want to be able to travel and see the world. Learn new languages, learn about different cultures, not just " the American way". Just a lil something to get started that was on my mind. I"m not sure if I told you but this is going to be a very eclectic blog site, so get ready for a crazy ride......
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